Books

Never Split the Difference by Chris Voss, Tahl Raz

Reading Time: 12 minutes

Click this link to purchase from Amazon.

Click this link to purchase from Audible.

Deepak Shukla’s Notes On Never Split the Difference by Chris Voss, Tahl Raz

Hey guys,

I finished reading this book on the 10th of January 2021.

Here’s a synopsis of the book I grabbed from Amazon:

“A former international hostage negotiator for the FBI offers a new field-tested approach to high-stakes negotiations – whether in the boardroom or at home.

After a stint policing the rough streets of Kansas City, Missouri, Chris Voss joined the FBI, where his career as a hostage negotiator brought him face-to-face with a range of criminals, including bank robbers and terrorists. Reaching the pinnacle of his profession, he became the FBI’s lead international kidnapping negotiator.”

And here are my actual notes I took whilst I was listening to this on Audible:

Pushing hard for what you need/what is right is honest and ethical
Genuine honest conflict can actually help progress
The adversary is the situation – the person you in conflict with is your partner!
We know of many couples who get a divorce without ever arguing
Most people mess up because they fear conflict itself
Overcoming fear to get what you want in life
When it doesn’t make sense if often makes cents (ie opportunity to learn some valuable information)
Interruptions / interruption of flow / odd exchanges – often leads to people cracking. Pay attention to this because it can reveal a goldmine
Why reporters always keep mics on because at the beginning and end when the main thing is done is often when you learn the most
Observe unguarded moments
Hidden interests often confused as irrationality
Religion as a reason
When the partner expresses goals – express your concurrence for their ability to achieve them
When someone displays passion and purpose for what we always wanted it’s intoxicating. We all want a map to joy and it makes us relive our childhood spirit
Listen for something that reveals a particular outlook or perspective and then find vocabulary that will help them identify with you
Similarity Principle – trust people more who we think are similar to us
Get people to come in as backup listeners
Get recordings if possible to listen again and listen some more
Review everything you hear – you will not catch everything the first time
Using other guys religion against him Is an extremely powerful negotiation tool
By positioning your demands within the world view your counterpart uses to make decisions – you show them respect
The paradox of power – the harder you push the more pushback you get
Understand their religion – aka their world views and beliefs (whether religious or not)
You want to see what language someone speaks and speak it back to them
Understanding normative leverage can be as simple as Asking what your partner believes and just standing back and listening
Normative leverage
Sentences like ‘it seems clear that you’ve always valued that you pay on time’ or ‘it seems like you don’t care what position you are leaving me in’
People will act irrationally and shut off the negotiation if feel under threat
People will do than give up their autonomy so be mindful when making a threat
Loss aversion is real as a threat – if you don’t do X I will do Y
Remember if someone says ‘I want’, you have positive leverage
Eg you have more leverage than you think in negotiation kidnapping. What business is successful with only one buyer?
Black swans are leverage multipliers
Black swans can be completely innocuous and hidden in plain site
Why are they communicating what they are communicating right now
Don’t verify what you expect
Feel for the truth behind the camouflage
Ask lots of questions and read non verbal cues
Each side is in possession of at least 3 black swans that if were uncovered would change everything
Always retain a beginner’s mind
Every situation is new. We must let our known knowns guide us but not dictate what happens
When the pressure is on you don’t rise to the occasion you fall to your highest level of preparation
Ackerman method for haggling

Set your target price
Set your first offer at 65% of your target price
Calculate 3 raises of decreasing increments of 85/95/100%
Use Empathy and lots of ways of saying no before you get the other side to increase your counteroffer
When calculating your final price use specific non round numbers – gives number credibility and weight
Throw in your final offer with some non monetary item that they probably don’t want

Unsolved issues are the problem not the person
Why would you do THAT? (Tone here very important)
‘Why did you do that?’, only ever used to knock someone back
Threats delivered with poise – ‘I’m sorry that just doesn’t work’ – very effective
For anger to be effective it has to be real but you also need to control it
Real anger. Threats without anger and strategic umbrage
You bake with the flour you have
You can’t be what you’re not.
Have you understand their type be opening yourself up to their normal
Don’t treat others the way you would like to be treated to treat others the way they want to be treated
I am a normal paradox
Accomodator

Time spent building a relationship
Want win-win
Will become friends with other side even if agreement not reached
Yield concession to appease or acquiesce and hope another side reciprocates
Social accomodating peace-seeking and poor time managers they probably accommodator
Be social and friendly

Analysts –

Methodical and diligent
Not in rush
Their motto – as much time as it takes to get it right
Prefer to work alone
Rarely show emotion
Self image linked to minimising mistakes
Rarely deviate from their goals
Do well with FM DJ voice
Speak off in a way that’s distant And cold instead of soothing
Pride themselves on details. Will spend weeks on it to prevent being shown up
Analysts hate surprises
Information gathers and problem solvers – hyper sensitive to reciprocity
Sceptical by nature
Don’t expect immediate counter proposals by them
Asking too many questions at start bad idea because they want to understand all the implications, pays to be prepared
Silence is opportunity to think
Don’t adlib
Apologies of little as they see negotiation and their relationship with you as separate things
Respond well to labels
Not quick to answer calibrated questions
May need few days to respond
If you’re analyst you should worry about cutting yourself off from your biggest piece of data – your counterpart
People will be more forthcoming as a result if you smile
Smiling used for when caught off guard

To be good you have to learn to be yourself at the table. To be great you have to add to your strengths
Personal negotiation style
Chapter 9: Bargain Hard
More of ‘we, they and them’ is savvy decision maker who keeping his options open
If you hear a lot of “I, me and my” authority probably lies elsewhere
Yes is nothing without how
You can express no 4x before you actually need to use the word
Best way to get your counterparts to lower their offer is to say no using how questions – how am I supposed to do that
Humanise yourself – say your name in a fun friendly way and get your own special price
Include your name ‘my name is Deepak’ 🙂
When people lying these are the signs:

Liars use more words than truth tellers
Use far more third person pronouns like ‘you, him it they them’ rather than I
Liars tend to speak in more complex sentences in a bid to win over their suspicious counterparts
Ie try to baffle people with bullshit

Ask yes for 3 times in different ways uncovers falsehoods and incongruences that might not come up if just once
7/38/55 words body language and tonality best ways to gauge people
How do we ensure the managers of those we are training are fully onboard
How do we make sure we deliver the right material to the right people?
How onboard is the rest of your team
How does this affect everybody else?
How will we know when we’re off track?
How will we know when we’re on track?
The art of letting someone else have your way
A deal is nothing without good implementation
Use some variation of ‘how can I do that?’ creates forced empathy
Yes is nothing without how
Bite your tongue!!
Who has control is discussion the guy listening or the guy talking? Guy listening of course
When you’re attacked in a verbal skirmish step back and ask a calibrated question – will change entire tenor of conversation
Pause think and let passion dissipate
Self control is most important thing
How am I supposed to do that forces counterpart to do your work for you and internalise your POV
What’s the objective here?
What is it that you want?
What are we trying to accomplish here?
How can we solve this problem?
What is it that bought us into this situation?
How can I help to make this better for us?
What about this is important to you?
What is the biggest challenge you face?
What and how are most important openers
Don’t use ‘why’ it can backfire very easily
How would you like me to proceed
How can I help make this better for us?
What about this is important to you?
Calibrated questions –

[convertful id=”197358″]

Design questions to take someone somewhere
Avoids words like can / is / do or does
Start with reporters questions – who what when why and how
These words inspire counterpart to think expansively
Better to cut further and start with what how and sometimes I
Who when where and why can often get 1 word answers

When you are negotiating payment terms you can summarise challenge discuss why it’s a challenge for you and then ask the question – how am I supposed do that?
How am I supposed to do that? Is a great question for asking someone to figure out how to help you
He who learns to disagree without being disagreeable has learned the most valuable secret of negotiation
Our job as persuaders is not to get them to believe what we say. But to get them unbelieving
Giving counterpart illusion of control by asking calibrated questions by Asking for help – one of most powerful tools for suspending unbelief
Key is to stop people from unbelieving in a negotiation
Coopting not coercing. Coaxing
All negotiations are defined by a subterranean pattern of desires and needs
If someone gives you guidance and it’s specific and detailed they will have a vested interest in watching you implement and seeing if you succeed
Ask ‘what does it take to be successful here?’
Spark their interest in your success and you gain an unofficial mentor
Pleasant persistence on non salary terms
Always use specific numbers – odd and never with zero’s
Figure out what’s cheap to yourself but valuable to your counterpart
If you offer a range expect someone to come in at the lower end
Eg I’m about to tell you something and it isn’t good you’re going to think ‘X/Y/Z’
Anchor their emotions by acknowledging all their fears
Loss aversion – to get real leverage have to convince someone they’ve got something to lose if the deal falls through
Prospect theory – Kaunheman
You can use ‘We’ve given you a fair offer’
If someone uses ‘F’ bomb against you then you say ‘I see – well ok let’s go back to the part that you felt wad unfair and look at it again’
You can drop the ‘F’ bomb to get a better deal – I just want what’s fair
Important you share deadline you have with opponent to get to crux of matter fast
Deadlines are almost never ironclad
No deal is better than a bad deal
Deadlines are boogeyman of negotiation unsettling us unnecessarily
Deadlines are almost ALWAYS arbitrary and never trigger consequences of any matter
Imaginary deadlines create a fear in people that causes them to make irrational choices
Don’t fall for the line in the sand or false sense of urgency to believe that doing a deal now is better than doing a good deal
Make time your ally
Don’t settle. And never settle the difference
Compromise is often bullshit. We compromise to avoid fear and to avoid pain. Too few are driven by their actual goals
We compromise because it’s easy and it saves face and to be safe
Chapter 6 Bend their reality
This can massively with my relationship also with Daniela
Using ‘thats right’, to make a sale – can turn a no into a yes
Figure out what someone needs to hear to finish with the words ‘thats right’ – this creates environment for subtle epiphany
Drive towards that’s right. Not ‘you’re right’ – that changes nothing and is actually a disaster
Every tactic in the listening arsenal

1. Effective pauses – silence is powerful (told Benji to use it for emphasis) – keep using it till eventually emotion is drained from a dialogue

2. Minimal encouragers – ‘uhuh’/’yes’/’ok’/’i see’ to convey you’re paying full attention and what person has to say

3. Mirroring (repeat back what person says)

4. Labelling (give his feelings a name and identity with how he felt) eg it’s all terribly unfair and I can see now why you sound so angry

5. Paraphrase – repeat what he saying back in your own words

6. Summarise – paraphrase + labeling = summary

7.Ultimately the only way from here is for person to say ‘thats right’

Get them to say a ‘thats right’, several times to make them more malleable and to get to suble epiphany
Need to create a subtle epiphany
Them saying ‘yes/yes/yes’ doesn’t open up pathway to internal change – must apply behaviour stairway model instead
Sweetest words in any negotiation are ‘thats right’
Unconditional positive regard is how you need to accept anyone to open up a path to true change
Process is: behaviour stairway change model – 1. Active listening 2. Empathy 3. Rapport 4. Influence and 5. Behavioural change
CNU @ Quantico are FBI top dogs for hostage negotiation
Negotiation is about convincing the other party that what you want is their own idea
Is now a bad time to talk instead of ‘do you have a minutes to talk’ encourages a no which empowers prospect
Aim for no at the start enroute to getting your yes
One line email you can use – Have you given up on this project?
Can also say ‘lets start with what you don’t want’
Sometimes difficult to get people into saying ‘No’ so need to do it purposefully by miscategorising
Start with no – Jim camp
Embrace the no
Go for the early no
Start with ‘is now a good time to talk?’
Beware a plastic/early Yes. a counterfeit yes. No starts the conversation
Start with their most basic wants
Two kinds of yes

Commitment yes is one you want
Three sound almost exactly the same

Persuade in their world
Practice hearing no as something other than rejection and respond accordingly

What about this bothers you
What is not working for you
I don’t think I understand
I don’t think I can afford it
I want some more information

Welcoming them to say no brings down many barriers and actually opens up communication
No often decision frequently that changes so let other person have no because it makes them more open to help you get to yes later
No starts the negotiation
Use labels to reinforce positive perception and dynamics
List worst things party can say about you
Focus on clearing the barriers to an agreement first
Empathy, after someone has an argument, is a brilliant strategy as person is searching for a human connection
When you list someone’s fears or negative thoughts they often add colour and nuance to them which gives you more information
Anticipate all negative things other side might think about you and list them out
Accusation audit
Taking the sting out
‘it seems that you are really passionate about X and really want to make sure you’ve Found the right Y
‘i’m sensing some….’
Clear the road before advertising the destination
When writing stuff make it more emotional as a means of stirring up a particular emotion
Research shows best way to deal with negativity is to observe it without judgement or without a reaction
Whenever make a mistake go right at it as fast as possible
Labelling is a tactic not strategy
Try now. Label an emotion then be silent. People will open up
It seems like / it sounds like. Don’t say ‘i’m hearing that’ – use of pronoun ‘I’ makes it feel selfish like you aren’t interested in others feelings
Words / tone / body language = words music and dance. Spot feelings is about how people respond when you ask them questions
Labelling an emotion – moves emotion into rational part of brain thus removing it’s intensity
Labelling is a way of naming the way someone feels without making reference to any other external factors
Neural resonance
Tactical empathy is emotional intelligence on steroids
Put a smile on your face always!
SLOW IT DOWN. Most common mistake negotiator’s make is going too fast. Ends up making people feel like they are not being heard
Negotiation is not an act of battle but a process of discovery
Oprah Winfrey = amazing negotiator (watch some of her shoes)
Mirroring will make you feel uncomfortable when you first try it – but it’s a valuable Swiss army knife for conversation in every social setting
Mirror will get you the clarity you want whilst respecting and listening to what other person is saying
Ask someone ‘what do you mean by that’ and you’re likely to incite defensiveness or irritation
Intention behind most mirrors is please help me understand?
How to deal with any type of conflict: 1. Use late night FM DJ voice 2. Start with I’m sorry 3. Mirror 4. Silence 5. Repeat
Being right isn’t the key for a negotiation. Having the right mindset it
Mirror for FBI when you repeat last word or last 1-3 words of what somebody said
Waiters who used mirroring instead of positive reinforcement got 70% more tips
Generally an unconscious behaviour
Mirroring also called isopraxism – essentially imitation
When you mirror someone they can start vomiting information
You can be very direct and to the point as long as you use a tone of voice that says ‘im ok you’re ok – let’s figure things out’
Radio DJ voice is smooth downward inflecting and drawn out – I’m in control
Smile in your face and smile in your voice will increase your own mental agility
These voices are cross cultural and never fail regardless of location
Three times of voice available to hostage negotiators

Late night FM DJ voice
Positive playful voice
Assertive voice (forget this)

We grasp what the other person is feeling without even intending to
How we are – general demeanor and mode of delivery – easiest things to enact and best tool for change
Listening is where negotiation starts. Validating them emotionaly and making them feel safe
Active listening requires quietening your inner voice – which takes extreme effort – most people can’t do it
Life is negotiation
Tactical empathy
When someone listened to intently they tend to listen ???? to themselves more carefully
Listening intensely is worlds cheapest form of therapy
The universal premise that everyone wants to be listened to and understood
Two systems of Thought – animal mind (fast) and rational mind (slow)
Kidnappers are just business man trying to get the best price
‘How am I supposed to do that?’ is a very good challenging technique and variations of this work well
Be the smartest dumb guy in the room
When in a tough negotiating position ask ‘innocent’ open ended questions to change the frame of the conversation

Never Split the Difference by Chris Voss, Tahl Raz

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